PSA

This is a public service announcement, addressing the community’s widespread unrest due to the city’s neglect of a long running issue of serial crimes throughout the city. Crimes include but are not limited to: breaking and entry, robbery, assault, and defamation. Victims have suffered emotional and economic loss, many are seeking mental refuge. “They’ve made it out like bandits, my whole production line of specialty cookie tins has been reduced to crumbs right before the holiday season, no one even dares to sit in our cafe for fear of a repeat offense” Dan Daniels, owner of a long standing local bakery. The perpetrators are long-time city residents with status beyond that of the mayor or governor’s office, creating further speculation of the involvement of these offices in these crimes. The DA office has issued an official memorandum stating they are “working on these cases and will have movement in the coming months.” Please read on for descriptions of the crimes and offenders, if you have any information that might be helpful to the case please contact a local police station.

The offenders are approximately the length of a size 9 US Mens shoe, gray haired, sport dated fur coats, known for indecently exposing a slimy fleshy appendage, and wield razor sharp incisors. These individuals are armed and poised for conflict, if spotted do not engage in eye contact by any means. Because these criminals are so well integrated into our society, our in-house sociologist has provided a detailed description of character, some readers may find they are living directly amongst the public enemy.

They are Leeches, who don’t pay rent or contribute to your $31 seamless dinner, and inconsiderately decide that 3am is the perfect time for cardio in the gym that is the space between your ceiling and attic.

They are Intrusive, barging in like your coworker that specifically wasn’t invited but shows up for drinks after work even though no one gave them the address. The 1.5” gap under your door might as well be an “open house” sign.

They are Deceitful, like a raisin in (what you thought was) a chocolate chip cookie. They claim that they are “nocturnal” but decide to go for a stroll next to your granny cart as you drag your laundry in broad daylight.

They are Thieves, robbing you of your peace of mind, until suddenly even an innocent dry leaf or rogue plastic bag on the sidewalk can’t cross your path without your heart falling out of your butt.

Several groups have come forward to report a state of peace claiming that crimes and sightings have grown sparse since the first frost. Allegations have been put forth, questioning the validity of these claims and suggesting probable allegiances between these groups and the criminals. The health code inspector group is under close speculation.

Experts on the case claim the offenders have been, and will continue to steadily grow their numbers, waiting for the right moment. And on that beautiful spring day, when you momentarily forget their haunting existence and hang your new hammock at the park at dusk, that’s when they will strike. Their principal motive has yet to be uncovered but it seems that peaceful cohabitation will be hard to achieve due to their erratic and intrusive behavior.

We advise all readers to stay alert and aware of their surroundings, no space is safe from these intruders. Be wary of any sounds coming from within or behind garbage cans, as they have been known to frequent these establishments. Since they are known to masquerade as dry leaves or black plastic bags, we urge readers to be proactive and take caution in all instances. If you come in contact with one of these volatile perpetrators by all means run, run as fast as you can, but know that they are adept sprinters, climbers, and swimmers. Godspeed.

Writing Prompt: Write about something you Love, or something that you Hate